Sign Language
A non English speaking foreigner entered a restaurant craving to be served immediately. As soon as he was seated he waived to the waiter to be served. The female waiter was busy with the other guests and did not attend to him immediately. The foreigner waved again, but this time without realizing that it was with his middle finger. The waiter upon noticing the use of the middle finger, felt offended and reported the customer’s behavior to her boss. The Boss (a little concerned) walked across to the foreigner and asked, "Yes Sir, Is there any Problem?" And the foreigner replied "Yes, I’m having trouble making her come. I've been fingering her for the last 15 minutes but she wouldn’t cum"..... (Ah ha ha ha – Laugh it out!!) 8. Kids say the Dandiest Things TEACHER : How old were you on your last birthday? STUDENT : Seven. TEACHER : How old will you be on your next birthday? STUDENT : Nine. TEACHER : That's impossible. STUDENT : No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today. Its my birthday today.... TEACHER : George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS : George! TEACHER : Didn't you promise to behave? STUDENT : Yes, Sir. TEACHER : And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't? STUDENT : Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I will not be upset if you break yours too.... HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER : Of course not. HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework. TEACHER : Why are you late? WEBSTER : Because of the sign. TEACHER : What sign? WEBSTER : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. TEACHER : I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you. MOTHER : Why did you get such a low mark on that test? GARY : Because of absence. MOTHER : You mean you were absent on the day of the test? GARY : No, but the kid who sits next to me was. TEACHER : In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet. TEACHER : If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? VINCENT : One dollar. TEACHER : You don't know your arithmetic. VINCENT : You don't know my father. 9. Use Big People’s Words The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. You need to use "big people words", she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana" "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!" She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied. "That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie The Shit." (Winnie the Pooh). 10. Betting – the Canadian Style A pretty middle aged lady went into the Bank of Canada one-day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came to get this money, he asked how did you get this money?" The lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The lady said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." Xghombigho Wing
There was a kid who's father promised to take him to a brothel for a whore to introduce him to manhood on his 16th birthday. The day arrived and off they went. Dad said to his son, "I'll be back soon, call if you have any questions." An hour later the phone rings and it's the boy to his dad. "Dad" he says," She's laying naked on the bed and she has her legs apart. She keeps telling me she's ready and to take her! What do I do?" And dad says," son, get undressed too, and just put your head where she pees". A few hours later the father goes back to pick up the boy and the place is surrounded by police, firefighters, and the bomb squad. The dad asks an officer what’s going on. "Oh- some dumb ass horny naked kid stuck his head in the toilet and he's stuck". (Aha – ha – ha - laugh it out!!) Chinese Meets Spielberg A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg, who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer. Picking himself up, he yelled : " What the hell was that for ? "The producer ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you ##@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!" " I am not Japanese, you stupid Nincompoop! I am Chinese! " " Yeah yeah yeah . . .Japanese, Vietnamese, Burmese, Chinese, you’re are all the same. " Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the producer, sending him flat to the floor. "What was that for?" exclaimed the producer. "That's for the sinking of the TITANIC! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied. " You ignorant chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg! " shouted the producer. " Yeah yeah yeah . . . Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg. . you are all the same!" (Aha – ha – ha - laugh it out!!) Xghombigho Wing
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each of them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse". The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said: "SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP..." So, Mother was happy. Then the second daughter got married and the message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted! The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS. (Aha – ha – ha - laugh it out!!) By Xghombigho Wing
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $180,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well, a couple of days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asked him why he was leaving and the boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN you expect me to be stuck with that $180,000 mortgage!" (Aha – ha – ha - laugh it out!) Xghombigho Wing
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him "Your Grace". The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called "Your Eminence". Since the fourth woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well...?" So she replies, “My son is 6'2"... and terribly handsome. He has plenty of money... broad square shoulders... dresses very well has a tight muscular body and tight hard buns... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...' (Aha – ha – ha - laugh it out!) By: Xghombigho Wing
Three nuns pass every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns realized that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible. The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to fool that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!" (Aha – ha – ha - laugh it out!!) Terry Dabowota
Girl:"Uncle I feel guilty." Uncle:"What have you done my child?". Girl:"I called a man a son of a bitch." Uncle:"Why did you called him a son of a bitch?". Girl:"Because he touched my hand." Uncle:"Like this?" (as he touches her hand). Sylvia Kila
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!" "That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?" "Just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!" "That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!" Sylvia Kila
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!" Josh Mambsu
Last Night, A mathematician Sent me a Proposal. So, I told him to throw his vibe.. This is how it went down.. ...My Lovely Night Nurse, after Reading this Love Letter, not only will u be swept off ur current implacemnt... U will remain suspended at an acute angle... Josh Mambsu
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? " When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty! " shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good! " and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior? ", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ! " shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good! " and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? " Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half! " The Teacher fainted." By Slim JouRno
Three (3) thieves did a robbery and were chased by the police. With the thought of avoiding jail time they ran to the wishing mountain. The first thief said his wish, "I wish i was a bird". He than turn into a bird and flew away. The second thief said his wish, " I wish i was a butterfly. He than turned into a butterfly and flew away. The last thief was in a hurry. He was about to made his wish when he bumped a stone.Angrily he got up and said "kaikai kan". He than turned into what he wish for and crawled onto the mountain. |
PNG JokesWe provide all the jokes on this page. We acknowledge our contributors as well. |